What is a computer?

   What is a computer?
   From experience, a computer is like a person who takes everything you say literally and only knows what you tell it.
   Tell the computer to get lost, in a moment of irritation, and you may never see it again.
   Ask the computer what's up and the computer will turn its gaze skyward and begin describing the sky, atmospheric composition, constellations and may even, if you've prepared it, diverge into a tedious philosophical discourse on the meaning of 'up' in Platonic fashion.
   A computer programming  is like an obsessive-compulsive English grammar teacher. Misplace one comma or period and you'll know instantly.
   A computer is like a hybrid between a hothouse orchid and a cactus. It requires constant attention and is too delicate to be treated other than delicately and pricks your finger if you don't.
   A computer is like a friend with photographic memory and the IQ of a toadstool. Obtuse would be a generous description.